When I’m working with clients that are not satisfied with their current sexual relationships and struggling with their sex lives, I will sometimes require that they create a schedule with sex on the calendar. But then I often hear “but Haeli, won’t scheduling sex take the fun out it?” Or they worry that by scheduling sex it might ruin their sex life.
Do you think putting sex on your calendar dampens your relationship and sex life? Think again! Here we’ll talk about the many positive benefits scheduling sex could have.
How can scheduling sex be good for your relationships?
Having sex on your calendar can give you something to look forward to.
This can, in turn, increase a person’s desire for sex. Oftentimes, people think the opposite. I work with a lot of people that lack interest in sex and think that planning it will increase the dread of what is coming. But when you start making a commitment to creating change with your sexual relationship (and in doing the work with me), you will begin to think differently about this upcoming sex night and what I often find are clients that begin to actually look forward to these nights and begin craving sex more.
A little word for those that might dread sex night… work on this reframe. You’re scheduling sex because you know you need to for your relationship (with your partner, sex, or yourself) even though you’re struggling with sex be it lack of desire, mental or emotional blocks, or whatever. But this means you are wanting a change for the good. So instead of thinking “ugh, sex night is coming up and I really do not want to do this”, try “sex night is coming up and I’m looking forward to creating healthier relationships so I’m excited for this”.
Planning your sex nights can increase foreplay.
Many times when people plan their sex night they begin to find more moments of talking about it and touching each other more before the actual occurrence. And in case you didn’t know, talking about what you’ll be doing to each other or yourself and touching each other before you have sex is foreplay. Remember the above point that scheduling sex can get you excited for what’s coming? Well, when you’re excited about the sex that is coming up, it will be on your mind more (increased desire), so it will feel more natural to want to talk ‘dirty’, flirt more, and get you putting your hands on each other.
Try this: Think of your upcoming sex night and what you want to do to your partner or what you want your partner to do to you. Now tell your partner these thoughts. “I can’t wait to have your hands on my body while you’re slowly kissing my neck”. As the partner, after hearing this, at some point prior to the sex night, do a small physical action based off what your partner shared with you. You could take 10-15 seconds kissing your partner’s neck while being sure one of your hands is caressing them somewhere on their body. That’s it! That maybe took an extra 2 minutes that just added so much value to your sex life, your relationship with your partner, and your relationship with sex.
With a scheduled time for sex, it can increase your thoughts of sex.
Clients of mine either typically struggle with thinking of sex too little or too much so this bonus of scheduling sex might be hard for the latter. As we’ve read from the previous two benefits of having sex on the schedule, this one is obvious. It won’t always increase the thoughts as sometimes we have to plan sex nights because our lives are so busy (see the next pro of scheduled sex) so it might not even cross your mind and might even be the reason you have to plan sex.
But in some cases, knowing your sex night is coming up gets you thinking more about sex. You’ll start thinking more about what you do and don’t want to do sexually. You’ll think more about what you do and don’t like. It could even get you thinking more about your difficulties with sex and ways you can overcome those.
Carving out a time to have sex.
Getting sex scheduled on the calendar will obviously get you and your partner taking time to actually have sex. If you are wanting to have a better relationship with sex and with your partner then yes, you do need to be having sex. I work with many couples that haven’t had sex in months (sometimes years) and oftentimes they don’t know how or where to get started again or worry about the initiating or rejection (see the pro below) so getting setting a time for sex helps with these issues.
I also work with couples that have a hard time finding time for sex. Usually, they’re so busy with work, kids, the house, the families, the fill in the blank that they either “don’t have time” for sex or are so tired and exhausted that they put sex on the back burner.
As a mother to teenagers working full time and trying to stay on top of everything else in life, I know how easy it is to put sex on the back burner so I get it! But that means I also know the harms of not having healthy sexual relationships. There have been many times throughout my life that I have scheduled sex due to a lack of time and energy. And yes, during these times, I have been worried that this would take more from me or make sex less enjoyable. Almost always it does the opposite and I see that for many of my clients as well.
Scheduling sex is going to improve communication.
When we get to a point where we are talking about scheduling sex that means we’re talking about our relationships. Yaayyyy! If you’re talking about when to have sex then you’re talking about sex and this can almost always have positive (although sometimes hard) results. You’re most likely talking with your partner(s) about the struggles you’re having with your relationship with each other or with sex.
It can also increase the communication around the way you talk about sex (which can in turn help you with the way you feel about sex). You’re more likely to be talking about what you want to do or have done to you. You might share more about the things you like and the things you don’t like sexually. You’ll be able to talk more openly about sex which is always a good thing!
Having a set time for sex can decrease fears and other blocks around sex.
This can be a big one for some people. I work with a lot of people that have what I call emotional or mental blocks around sex. These blocks are created for a variety of reasons and will be different for each person which is one of the reasons working with me one on one can be so beneficial. I not only help people discover their emotional and mental blocks but help them work through them to have healthier relationships. Getting sex on the calendar is helpful in doing this.
Remember when I mentioned earlier that there are people that haven’t had sex for a long time so they aren’t sure how or where to start? Many times, this includes the block of fear. But I find others that aren’t in this situation that have these fears as well. I have clients that have fears about initiating sex with their partner. This can come from many various things, including fear of rejection. If this is you, scheduling sex significantly helps with these fears.
By setting time for sex you are making a committment to your partner, your relationship, and yourself.
When you decide to make the commitment to put sex on your calendar, you are choosing to create healthier relationships in your life. You are making a commitment to your partner by carving this time out for them and showing them that this is important to you which means they are important to you. You are dedicating time to your relationship with sex. You’re showing yourself that you want to create positive changes in your relationships and that you are willing to take the steps to do so.
My true hope is that sex is on your calendar at least once per week. But I’m a realist and know that for some that is asking a lot (time and/or blocks they’re working on) and we can’t just jump from zero to full speed. So maybe this means you start with scheduling one day, morning, afternoon, or evening for sex. Then slowly increase to every other week moving up to every week. I challenge those that are struggling with their sex lives and sexual selves to schedule sex and improve these relationships.